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Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age, by Dan Kindlon
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While many adolescents today have all the useful accessories of a prosperous society-cell phones, credit cards, computers, cars-they have few of the responsibilities that build character. Under intense pressure to be perfect and achieve, they devote little time to an inner life, and a culture that worships instant success makes it hard for them to engage in the slow, careful building of the skills that enhance self-esteem and self-sufciency. In this powerful and provocative book, Dr. Kindlon delineates how indulged toddlers become indulged teenagers who are at risk for becoming prone to, among other things, excessive self-absorption, depression and anxiety, and lack of self-control. Too Much of a Good Thing maps out the ways in which parents can reach out to their children, teach them engagement in meaningful activity, and promote emotional maturity and a sense of self-worth. Dan Kindlon, Ph.D. is a professor of child psychology at Harvard University. He is a frequent contributor to Child magazine and is the co-author of Raising Cain, a New York Times best-seller. He lives in Boston with his wife and two children.
- Sales Rank: #442657 in Books
- Brand: Miramax
- Published on: 2003-01-08
- Released on: 2003-01-08
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.00" h x .0" w x 5.19" l, .75 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 288 pages
Features
From Publishers Weekly
Kindlon (coauthor of Raising Cain), a psychologist, has spent time surveying and speaking to parents and kids in an effort to understand teen-rearing today. In addition to a scientific survey (Parenting Practices at the Millennium), which focuses on issues such as whether today's teens consider themselves spoiled, how many use drugs, how many do household chores, what families have dinner together regularly, whether all or only rich kids have cell phones, etc., Kindlon also draws on anecdotal data. As a psychologist at various schools, he has listened to parents protesting the suspension of a son accused of plagiarism the parents didn't find anything wrong with taking material off the Internet. Students have told Kindlon that their parents are never home or, in some cases, when they expect a punishment, that their parents do nothing. Educators as well as parents and grandparents will effortlessly identify with many of the situations Kindlon describes. After all, particularly among the baby boomer generation with seemingly unlimited funds, as parents indulge themselves, it's fairly apparent that their children will do so as well. Kindlon offers sound, albeit brief, advice; in the chapter on life skills, for example, he urges parents to help their kids acquire interests that will hold their attention. He believes that even spending one hour a day with kids not necessarily at mealtime is helpful. While this book is handy, a better organization with chapter summaries of advice would have made it even stronger. (Aug.)Forecast: Given the author's track record with the bestselling Raising Cain, this book should perform well, especially with a 12-city author tour and national advertising campaign.
Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
From Library Journal
Kindlon, coauthor of the well-received Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, here describes his experiences as a clinical therapist as well as the findings from the Parenting Practices at the Millennium study (PPM), which he conducted in spring 2000. The PPM is unusual in that it focuses on middle- and upper-class Americans, specifically those born in the last 20 years of the 20th century. Kindlon calls these kids "millennials" and finds that they "are highly competitive and prone to self-centeredness, depression, anxiety, and anger. Even when they're driven they often seem adrift." Distressing news, especially when these are the privileged few who will "have the inside track on the most influential positions in our society." But the pictures is not all gloomy; Kindlon offers sensible and compassionate advice for the well-to-do parent by effectively blending empirical evidence with anecdotal material. Sometimes, he offers easy, rather than clinical, conclusions (e.g., there is a "direct relationship between a large disposable income and drug use"), but this is a minor quibble. For large public libraries and those academic libraries that need the PPM results. Douglas C. Lord, Connecticut State Lib., Hartford
Copyright 2001 Reed Business Information, Inc.
From Booklist
The parental impulse to protect children from failure, pain, and disappointment has crossed over into an indulgence that threatens to harm the healthy development of American children, according to Kindlon, coauthor of the best-selling Raising Cain (1999). Based on research for a study on parenting practices and interviews with hundreds of parents and children, as well as psychologists and educators, the book presents the modern-day dilemma of finding the right balance between helping children and overindulging them. Typical symptoms of the overindulged child include self-absorption, depression, and a lack of self-control. This is an age of indulgence, with unparalleled consumer wealth. Parents who feel guilty about the time invested in their careers buy computers, telephones, and televisions to amuse their children. Parents want to shield and shelter children from life's adversities be they punishment by school administrators or chastisements by coaches. Kindlon outlines the seven deadly syndromes of overindulgence and advises parents on how to curb their impulses and develop responsibility and resourcefulness in their children. This is must reading for parents, those guilty of overindulgence and those in denial. Vanessa Bush
Copyright � American Library Association. All rights reserved
Most helpful customer reviews
39 of 39 people found the following review helpful.
Food for Thought
By Michele T. Woodward
I've been telling my friends about this book -- and here's what I say: For those of us fortunate enough to be able to give our children a lot of advantages, this book reminds us that our job as parents is not to be indulgent, but rather to set and enforce limits so that our children can develop their own sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Not exactly rocket-science, but a good and timely reminder. Dr. Kindlon urges parents to use TLC -- Time, Limits and Caring -- as the means for our children grow to be the independent adults they will need to be. His discussion of the politics surrounding college placement were very revealing to me. Some parents have the expectation that their child is destined for Harvard which is, very likely, setting that child up for failure. The big plus in this book is that much of it is drawn from statistical research, so Dr. Kindlon backs up his assertions on "indulgent parenting" with reasonable science. I really appreciated this book, and hope you do, too.
32 of 32 people found the following review helpful.
Interesting focus
By Gene Zafrin
Choosing character as the focal point of the book brings out an interesting perspective on raising kids. This book is not about developing smarts, physical or artistic ability, and not even about disciplining your children. Moreover, it goes as far as suggesting that getting your teenager into the right college may be a counterproductive goal (imagine that!) Refreshingly, it zooms in on what kids need to develop a personality, rather than on what, perhaps, parents want them to have, and that alone sets the book apart. Many of the book's findings are based on statistical analysis of focused studies, which again is both rare and welcomed.
Being a parent is a demanding job, but many of us refuse to see it as such. We work enough at work, and at home we often seek some indulgence and fun with our kids. We want to be their friends rather than their guardians. At every moment, we want them to love us, and in any case not hate us. In short, oftentimes we are parenting for ourselves, rather than for our kids, for our convenience and pleasure. All this is not good news for our children. In fact, it betrays our rather passive role in their upbringing.
Some of the findings stand out as less obvious. That eating disorders in most cases can be traced to early childhood. That early learning of self-control, of coping with delayed gratification and boredom lead to higher SAT scores. That most sexually active teens wish they had waited.
The most thriving group of kids participating in the main study shared five characteristics. They had dinner with the family on a regular basis. Their parents were not divorced. Their room was clean. They engaged in community (even household) service. And they did not have a phone in their room.
To summarize, the book's advice seems merely commonsensical: spend more time with your children, set limits, encourage their engagement in an absorbing challenging activity, let them fail so that they have opportunities to learn from their failures. In fact, the book is more than just regurgitation of self-evident truths. Its strength comes from two sources: hard data for its conclusions and practical advice for parents. Truths are often simple (as in dieting: forget the fads, just burn more calories than you take in). But living your daily life according to what you know is right for your children - now there's the rub.
On the personal level, this book will probably help me say "no" to my 4 year-old more easily. And even though parents' "I'm doing it for your own good" argument never made much sense to me, just like ferberizing our child worked, I believe letting my son cope with manageable frustration is ultimately beneficial for him.
I would recommend the book to all parents and, perhaps, to some interested teenagers as well.
86 of 95 people found the following review helpful.
Cautionary Advice about Spoiling Older Children and Teens
By Donald Mitchell
This book is long on descriptions and diagnosis, and relatively brief on advice. Wealthy, professionally successful parents tend to make life too easy for their children while imposing high expectations about academics and sports. Such children are highly likely to worry too much, feel depressed, be sad, or feel pressure to be perfect. In general, these children fail to develop life skills necessary to deal with inevitable setbacks and challenges on their own. In frustration over their perceived lack of competence, many indulge in drugs, alcohol, and inappropriate sexual practices. Some misbehavior is designed to get attention from distracted parents.
The prescription is that parents should set a good example, spend more time with their children (especially at dinner time), set limits so that their children will only take on challenges they are ready for, establish clear and consistent ways of enforcing limits, be caring, and help their kids take on greater, appropriate challenges as time passes.
The seeds of the problem relate to the parents' unresolved conflicts about parenting roles. They want their kids to be happy, but haven't thought through what's needed. Having more and more unearned freedom and choice creates dissatisfaction. Being more and more competent provides engaged, meaningful flow experiences. The parents want to be too much of a pal, and not enough of a parent.
To deal with this, Professor Kindlon encourages readers to think about the best things their parents did for them that are appropriate for their own children . . . and use those as models. Equally, parents should avoid overcompensating for what they disliked most about what their own parents did.
The first part of the book describes the details of overindulgence and spoiling as they are practiced today. The second part looks at seven psychological states that can be perverted into something worse, and examines the way this occurs. The third part focuses on what to do.
The book is built on Professor Kindlon's clinical experience as a psychologist, questionnaires from a convenience sample he examined, 50 in-depth interviews, and a literature review.
The seven foundations of "deadly" syndromes are as follows: Pride leads to self-centeredness; wrath causes anger; envy causes being driven; sloth creates lack of motivation; gluttony leads to eating disorders; lust causes self-control problems; and greed leads to acting spoiled. Over 80 percent of the affluent 634 teens questioned reported problems in one or more of these areas.
I thought there were two serious problems with this book. First, to find out how parenting turned out, don't you have to see how the lives of the youngsters end up? Reporting on this study is premature unless you only care about making the teen years more pleasant. Many people straighten up and fly right in their 20s who were a real mess as teens. Second, this book is so loose that it almost doesn't tell you anything. The average sermon contains more specific guidance than this book has in total. I compared the book to the more specific books I have read on teenaged obesity, learning to handle money, overcoming teenaged depression, and so forth. Each of those books is vastly more detailed and helpful. This book is like the Cliff's Notes version of a classic novel. I suspect that it will be most appealing to those who are most in denial about the idea that overindulgence for children is a bad idea.
After you read this book, ask yourself where you had tough, but helpful, learning experiences that your children have not yet had. How can you help your children to duplicate those lessons today?
Encourage all to climb the highest mountain that appeals to them!
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